Back in May 2017, I wrote a column for Rage Monthly titled, “Another Lesson to Learn.” I'm sure you all read it, right? I mean, how else do you fill your day? For those of you who need a refresher course, the article centers on how even as adults, we're constantly tested or quizzed—essentially, there's always . . . another lesson to learn. Large consumptions of red wine, Coors Light, and the occasional hit of wacky tobaccy may have caused cobwebs to clutter my mind, but any gay worth his salt-on-the-rim margarita keeps receipts. At least the important ones. Or the expensive . . .

The first month of 2019 is over. Holy shit! Does the fact that January 2019 disappeared faster than a Keanu Reeves movie at the box office scare the hell out of you? It does me. Time is running out, people. If you've got something to say, say it now. If you've got something to do, do it now. And if you've got someone to do, well, do them twice. You know, in case the first time doesn't take. Or if it's really good. In these troubling times, who can afford to pass on a good dick-down? Even a mediocre one. But I digress. Whoever wished for time to speed up should be forced to . . .