I once went on a date with this guy. Let's see . . . I have to call him something. We'll call him Mr. Douche, as I want to respect his privacy slash don't remember his real name. That's not true. I do remember his name; that's how excited I'd been to officially go out with him. Before the night of the date, I was extremely nervous. Not taking my SATs kind-of-nervous, even more so than that. I'd say it was like waiting for test results from the clinic after a busy holiday weekend kind-of-nervous. You see, I'd casually crossed paths with Mr. Douche a few times before he officially asked me . . .
Please Don’t Pee On Me
As an adult, and I use that term loosely, I fully—kind of—understand that shit happens. By “shit,” I mean accidents. Off the top of my head, I'm thinking of accidents like forgetting to pick up your kid from school or drinking one too many Belvedere martinis at happy hour. You know, accidents no one can really predict or prevent. Then there are the accidents that can and should be prevented . . . like taking a big piss on my bedroom floor. Wait! I've gotten ahead of myself. Let me backtrack a tad. Do you ever get that feeling? You know the one: It's a Saturday night, you haven't been . . .
Testing: One, Two, Three …
Back in May 2017, I wrote a column for Rage Monthly titled, “Another Lesson to Learn.” I'm sure you all read it, right? I mean, how else do you fill your day? For those of you who need a refresher course, the article centers on how even as adults, we're constantly tested or quizzed—essentially, there's always . . . another lesson to learn. Large consumptions of red wine, Coors Light, and the occasional hit of wacky tobaccy may have caused cobwebs to clutter my mind, but any gay worth his salt-on-the-rim margarita keeps receipts. At least the important ones. Or the expensive . . .
Be Careful What You Wish For
The first month of 2019 is over. Holy shit! Does the fact that January 2019 disappeared faster than a Keanu Reeves movie at the box office scare the hell out of you? It does me. Time is running out, people. If you've got something to say, say it now. If you've got something to do, do it now. And if you've got someone to do, well, do them twice. You know, in case the first time doesn't take. Or if it's really good. In these troubling times, who can afford to pass on a good dick-down? Even a mediocre one. But I digress. Whoever wished for time to speed up should be forced to . . .