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You are here: Home / Advice / Love Handles—But No Love

Love Handles—But No Love

September 7, 2022 By Cutter Slagle Leave a Comment

A couple of months ago, I had a thought. Looking back now, I think it was more of a moment of weakness, but the idea formed in my brain, and I took action. I decided to download Tinder, the dating app.

Actually, in my opinion, Tinder is more of a dressed-up hook-up app (i.e. a fancy Grindr). That old expression, “putting lipstick on a pig,” feels like an accurate way to not only describe Tinder but the bulk of dating apps today. Maybe even dating in general, whether you use an app or not. (And if you don’t use an app to date, what’s your secret?)

Still, I gave in and started swiping . . . but my heart wasn’t in it. No one caught my interest; 99 percent of my swipes were to the left. The most exciting prospect I saw on Tinder was an advertisement for McDonald’s. I guess I’m not ready to date, or even “fake” date. Within two hours, I deleted my profile on the app and promptly went looking for Mr. Big–er, a Big Mac. Talk about the ultimate match.

I’ve spent thousands and thousands of words trying to better understand men—gay men, the gay community, dating, sex, love, and life. The conclusion I’ve finally come to is that I don’t know shit. Thank God for therapy, because now it’s someone else’s responsibility to assess my failed romantic life, tell me everything I’ve done and am doing wrong, and give me tips on how to improve.

So, what did my therapist recently recommend I do: try dating.

Unfortunately, he didn’t mean to try dating him. I know, such a cliché, right? That old, crush-on-the-therapist trope has definitely been played out. Also, and much to my dismay, he wasn’t inviting me over for dinner when he told me which area of town he lives in to prove a point that gay men can—and do—actually live and function outside of the gayborhood. Or, in my specific case, Hillcrest. Who knew?

To be fair, his point wasn’t so much for me to date, per se, but to simply put myself back out into the world to see how it felt. To see how I felt. Well, truth be told, I felt like I was now paying to be given homework assignments. I didn’t do homework in high school or college (sorry, Dad), but now, in my early—fine—mid-thirties, I was expected to be productive?

To add insult to injury, I wasn’t sure how to go about dating. Where would I start? Mystery solved: online. Hiding behind my used, Amazon-purchased iPhone seemed to be the safest, easiest, and most convenient place to begin.

Long story short: This bitch went back on Tinder. However, I prepared myself this time. I went into the situation high as a fuckin’ kite. In all honesty, I wasn’t that high, but I did take an edible to help soften the blow that I was willingly heading back into the trenches.

I immediately discovered how picky I am. Hey, after having my heart stomped on with a metal cleat more than once, I’d finally learned to have standards. Or, more bluntly, I was no longer taking any bullshit. Except, what I found on Tinder was a lot of bullshit. So much bullshit, I regretted not having put on my thigh-high boots to wade through it all.

Here’s my message to the guys who post nothing but shirtless pictures or images of themselves flexing: Get over yourself. And to the guys who don’t know how to string a sentence together without producing a grammatical error (one bio had four errors in a 20-word sentence): You’re a moron. If you don’t know how to work a comma, I’m fairly certain you don’t know how to work your di–you know where I’m going with this. Again, sorry, Dad.

Finally, to the guys in open relationships, thruples, and only looking for hookups: Get out of my way. Also, just for good measure, fuck off.

I apologize—seriously. I don’t want to come off as some Judge Judy (too late?). Yet, navigating gay dating is difficult, especially when trying to avoid stepping on landmines that are open relationships, thruples, and hookups. I understand that some guys are only looking for these sorts of connections, and that’s their prerogative. That’s their right. That’s also why there are platforms such as Grindr, Scruff, and Sniffies. Leave some crumbs for the rest of us, the ones wanting a deeper, more meaningful experience.

I’m really not the jaded, bitter, B I T C U Next Tuesday I’m coming off to be. I swear. I’m just tired. No, I’m exhausted. I mean, it’s easier to find the monkeypox vaccine (both doses) in this city than it is to find a man who wants a healthy, monogamous, long-term relationship.

Of course, my Tinder experience hasn’t been completely awful. There have been a few pleasant surprises. The same with Bumble, too. And, before you suggest trying Hinge, Plenty of Fish, Farmers Only, or OkCupid, that’s it! I refuse to download an additional dating app. It’s too much work. Too much work with very little payoff. Besides, most of the options on the apps are exactly the same. These days, no man wants to put his balls in only one basket. A problem in and of itself.

I have to be honest again. I think the main problem here is me. For starters, I’m at a place in life where I’d rather choose carbs over cock. This has led to me having love handles but no love. Again, that’s on me. Further, though, I’m a mess of contradictions.

You see, I’m lonely but not lonely. I’m bored but not bored. I’m content but not content. I’m hungry but . . . no, I’m always hungry. I know exactly what I want, except I don’t know how to go about getting it.

Maybe I can’t find what I want in San Diego. Maybe I have unrealistic expectations. Maybe I’m just impatient. Or maybe I need to have more faith, be more open-minded. I’ve put such a negative connotation on online dating, perhaps I’ve manifested these lackluster outcomes.

After all, the route doesn’t matter; it’s all about the destination. That was a little hokey pokey, even for me, but you get the message. Some guys have met online, even in the darkest of online places, like Craigslist and Scruff, and managed to build a wonderful, healthy, and (surprisingly!), monogamous relationship.

Anything is possible. There are like-minded guys out there. Who knows? One could possibly be waiting for me. No, one is waiting for me. And in the meantime, at least I always have that Big Mac to keep me fulfilled and satisfied.

Filed Under: Advice, Lessons Tagged With: dating advice, Gay Lifestyle, Grindr, LGBTQ blog, LGBTQ dating, LGBTQ writer, LGBTQ writing, Life lessons, patience, positive thoughts, relationships, The Law of Attraction, The Male Carrie Bradshaw

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sincerelycutter

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Feb 1

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Don't miss my February column in @ragemonthly — Out now! 
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#TheMaleCarrieBradshaw 👨🏼‍💻

"Hope is essential, but it’s not enough. To just simply hope will almost always end in disappointment, and probably pretty quickly. In order for hope to work—truly work—we’ve got to work, and the work isn’t always easy. On the contrary, it can be fucking hard. Hope can only take us so far, then it’s up to us and the work we’ve done to finish the job."

sincerelycutter

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“If I’m not back in five minutes … just wait longer.” #AceVentura #AceVenturaPetDetective

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#NewBlogAlert🔥 — #LinkInBio or cutterslagle.com #TheMaleCarrieBradshaw 
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For the past year and a half, I’ve told myself and others that I’m on a journey of self-reflection, with the sole goal of becoming the absolute best version of myself. Yet, when I look back at my previous blog articles and Rage (how fitting is that name?) columns, I’m not so sure this is the case. Instead, I fear that I may be trying to project my feelings, beliefs, and hell, possibly even my insecurities onto anyone who bothers to read the sentences I string together.

The result? A sad, jaded, angry, and yes, bitter perspective of life.

sincerelycutter

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My #October column in @ragemonthly is out now! 👨🏼‍💻 https://bit.ly/3dV59tn 
#TheMaleCarrieBradshaw
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“After all, times are tough! Charles Dickens had it right when he wrote, ‘It was the worst of times.’ He, too, must have been searching for gay love. (As for the other half of that quote, the one that addresses the ‘best of times,’ well, I don’t know her.)”
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#LGBTQWriter #Column #Columnist #GayColumn #GayWriter #WritingAboutRelationships #GayDatingProblems
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harlancoben Harlan Coben @harlancoben ·
February 1, 2023

Milestone: Don’t want to brag but today while writing I spelled the word “occasion” correctly for the first time.

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sincerelycutter Cutter Slagle @sincerelycutter ·
January 15, 2023

... I can take myself dancing, and I can hold my own hand.

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sincerelycutter Cutter Slagle @sincerelycutter ·
January 5, 2023

… it was maroon. ♥️

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sincerelycutter Cutter Slagle @sincerelycutter ·
October 26, 2022

#NewBlogAlert
https://cutterslagle.com/bye-bitter-bitch/

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sincerelycutter Cutter Slagle @sincerelycutter ·
October 24, 2022

Take the moment and taste it
You've got no reason to be afraid
You're on your own, kid
Yeah, you can face this

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Writer: Cutter Slagle

3 days ago

Writer: Cutter Slagle
Don't miss my February column in The Rage Monthly Magazine — Out now! #TheMaleCarrieBradshaw "Hope is essential, but it’s not enough. To just simply hope will almost always end in disappointment, and probably pretty quickly. In order for hope to work—truly work—we’ve got to work, and the work isn’t always easy. On the contrary, it can be fucking hard. Hope can only take us so far, then it’s up to us and the work we’ve done to finish the job." ... See MoreSee Less

RAGE MONTHLY MAGAZINE

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Valentine's Day Queer-ish Gift Guide, Mean Girls the Musical, Gay Romantic OF AN AGE, Jeremy McQueen Black Iris Project
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“… sometimes you find your way to the place that wants you most.” ... See MoreSee Less

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3 months ago

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But I was realizing that everyone does go on. You get up. You have breakfast. You go to work. You do your job. You come home, have some dinner, go to bed. Just like everybody else. But it's always there. You go on, but you don't go on. Because there's this weight, and you can feel it all the time, like you've got a cinder block sitting on each shoulder, pushing you down, wearing you out, making you wonder whether you'll be able to get up the next day. And son of a bitch, you do get up. That day, and the day after, and the day after that. With those blocks on your shoulders. Always there. ... See MoreSee Less

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Bye, Bitter Bitch

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Oftentimes, it can be difficult to shake feelings of bitterness and anger. During these times, it's important to focus on what we can control and change.
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3 months ago

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Take the moment and taste itYou've got no reason to be afraid You're on your own, kid Yeah, you can face this🎶🎶🎶 ... See MoreSee Less
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