I recently decided to conduct a survey. Nothing official, of course. I wouldn’t even begin to know how to do something like that. Also, too much work. Unpaid work. Like Todrick Hall says, “I don’t work for free; that’s not the tea, hunty. No, ma’am!”
No, ma’am, indeed.
Therefore, when I say I “conducted a survey,” I really texted a handful of random friends and asked for their opinion on a certain subject matter. Don’t worry random friends who may be reading this: I’ve kept you all anonymous. Anonymous, like that one time . . . You know what? A story not appropriate for sharing.
So, today’s topic as you’ve probably come to understand is porn. Do you watch it? Does your significant other watch it? Do you care?
There are many matters in a relationship that can cause friction, possibly even end the relationship. I don’t think porn is one of those matters. I mean, it’s not like we’re talking about building a future with a member of the Republican Party. Then again, like with everything in life, it depends on the specific circumstance at hand.
For example, if you’ve ever been late paying your rent because you have too many porn subscriptions, you may have a problem. Also, it’s 2020: Who is still paying for porn?
Many believe that porn is all about fantasy, and aren’t fantasies healthy? Again, depending on the specific fantasy. Though, it must be asked: When you are fantasizing (i.e. watching porn), should you include your partner? Or, like eating an entire large pizza and chasing it with a brownie sundae, is watching porn an activity best to do alone?
Like I said, to find out how others feel about the issue, I reached out to some friends. These friends were men, women, gay, straight, lesbian—I wanted all perspectives covered. Hell, there was even one buddy I sent a message to that I hadn’t talked to since last October. Luckily, he was one who fell into the “straight” category, so there were no dramatics or lead-ins, just a simple, “Hey, you’re straight and in a relationship! Tell me your feelings about porn.”
Anyway, as you can imagine, the responses varied. Come to find out, a lot of people watch porn. Straight men watch porn; gay men watch porn; lesbians watch porn. Unfortunately, I couldn’t find a straight woman who watches porn.
Actually, that’s not true. One straight woman did come to mind, but she’s single, so her opinion wasn’t fitting for this particular blog article. Because, when you’re single, you can pretty much do whatever the hell you want. You don’t have to worry if or how your actions are going to potentially hurt your partner’s feelings.
All of that walking on eggshells shit kind of makes you wonder why more and more people aren’t single these days, doesn’t it?
A blog article for another time.
Moving right along, I do want to make clear that I’m not negating the single woman’s opinion (single women rock; hear them roar!), but for this particular—scientific experiment?—I was only interested in those who are currently coupled up. Why? I wanted to know what porn does to a relationship. If it does anything at all . . . good, bad, and/or ugly.
And, to be blunt, if you’re single, I hope you really are doing whatever the hell you want. Like watching porn and eating that large pizza.
One thing I discovered early on in my research, is that porn—like so many other entities in life—can only be as powerful as you let it. Or, porn can only be a problem if you allow it to be a problem.
Now, obviously, if porn completely replaces sexual activity in your relationship, there is a problem. If you’re waking up at 3:30 in the morning and sneaking off to watch porn and play rat-tat-tat-tat-tat-tat on the drums while your partner sleeps, there is a big problem. Not to mention, being sneaky in a relationship—in any regard—is a huge red flag. If someone is lying about something as silly as porn, what are they going to lie about next? They’re not a natural blonde? They voted for Trump?
This is a great place to talk about moderation. It could be argued that watching porn is perfectly acceptable, dear I even say healthy, as long as it’s done in moderation. If there’s one thing writing about sex, love, and relationships has taught me, it’s that there are lots of gray areas in life. Therefore, maybe it’s not so easy to classify porn as “bad” or “perverted,” but instead necessary to look at how many hours a week are dedicated slash wasted watching porn.
Again, every relationship is different. One individual may say a cumulative hour a week spent on porn is all right. Another person may say it takes at least an hour to find a worthy enough performance to “get the job done.” This is a perimeter that should be discussed openly with your significant other.
An additional imperative lesson I’ve learned writing this blog and my column for Rage Monthly Magazine: When it comes to having a successful relationship, communication is key.
There are plenty of other elements that could and do have weight when it comes to a partnered man or woman watching porn. For example, some porn should be strictly off-limits. Enough said.
Porn should never affect the daily life of a couple. No one’s life should revolve around porn—single or not single. Porn should never be used as a crutch. And, like exercise, babies, or smoking, porn should be something that can easily be given up at a moment’s notice.
I think it’s also necessary to consider why a person has the desire to watch porn, as well as the partner’s response to it. After all, a partnership is about two people—their wants, their needs, their feelings. Is porn worth rocking the ship for?
Then again, why would a person care if their partner enjoys watching a little bit of porn here and there? Especially if sex is still happening regularly for the couple. Could the real issue at hand be one of insecurity or self-worth? And if so, who should be held accountable for those problems? The person experiencing them, right?
A partner should always pay attention, be mindful and respectful of how certain actions can create certain feelings in the relationship, but he or she should not have to entirely sacrifice their hobbies—can watching porn be considered a hobby?—just because their boyfriend or girlfriend or spouse has sensitivity issues.
Besides, we’re not talking about something as serious as wearing white after Labor Day, but merely watching porn. Or, is porn one of those significant concerns that could be masking a more massive obstacle in the relationship?
There’s only one acceptable answer here: Every relationship is different.
Watching porn could simply be about the release it brings or a habit formed from many years ago, or about timing and a partner’s availability for a little hanky panky. Perhaps even the acting in the chosen film? Okay, probably not that last one. The point, though, porn only has to have a negative connotation if it’s given one. Is it worth the time and energy to do such?
At the end of the day, I think this is what matters: rules, limitations, expectations . . . communication. No one wants to be emotionally dependent on someone else, their actions. No one should be emotionally dependent on someone, their actions. Yet, a partnership is all about ensuring both partners are consistently feeling comfortable, safe, respected, valued, heard, and loved. And frequently getting some action—that’s vital, too, in a successful relationship.
If your relationship has all of the components listed above, then porn might not be a battle worth choosing.
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