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You are here: Home / Advice / Do You Dispose Of People?

Do You Dispose Of People?

April 19, 2020 By Cutter Slagle Leave a Comment

This morning, I was woken up by what I thought was a neighbor’s loud, ruthless hammering. Bam, bam, bam! However, after the sound continued for a solid ten minutes, I realized that the noise couldn’t possibly be from someone hammering the wall—there’d be no wall left.

Once the sleepy haze evaporated from my brain, I was able to put two and two together. Last night, San Diego received a rainstorm. What was disturbing me was the aftermath of that storm: rain falling from the gutters. Drip, drip, drip! Incessant, painful, infuriating.

Now, the old me would have screamed and cussed, pulled my hair out, perhaps thrown something out of the window, or gone out and ripped the gutters right off of the building. However, the new me did only one of those things. I’m pretty sure that’s known as “growth.”

Anyway, I couldn’t get back to sleep, so I just laid there, simply thinking. Yes, thinking—as if I need more wrinkles. Lying around and thinking is the number one cause for wrinkles . . . which is why I choose not to do the activity too often.

What was I thinking about as I willingly let the lines form across my face? Relationships, of course. All sorts of relationships.

Roughly five years ago, someone said to me, “I don’t build relationships out of convenience.” He didn’t so much as say it to me, as he screamed it in my face. Okay, that’s a lie. He sent it to me in a text message. We all know how to read into a text, right? And when do we ever get the subtext wrong? Trust and believe, the words were soaked in venom.

Who was this guy? That’s not important. Not for this blog article, anyway. Though, it does beg the question: Can you really ever be friends with an ex? Perhaps we’ll explore that theme next time. The point, however, is that these words obviously got under my skin, because I’m still thinking about them all this time later.

Relationships built on convenience . . . All relationships. I’m talking about the relationships we share with parents and siblings, partners, friends, even the waitress at a favorite Chinese restaurant. Let’s face it: that latter example may be the most vital relationship we ever experience.

Anyway, lying in bed at six a.m. this morning, I couldn’t help but wonder whether or not I build all of my relationships on convenience. And if I do, does that mean that when a relationship I share with someone becomes inconvenient, I just toss it away? Specifically, do I dispose of people?

If I wasn’t already awake because of that fucking drip, drip, drip, I was now. Because that couldn’t be me; there was no possible way I disposed of people. After all, when I think of a disposable item, Kleenex comes to mind. Used Kleenex, of course. Things like paper plates, plastic silverware, Adam Sandler movies, folks who voted for Donald Trump. Those are examples of disposables, not individuals I’ve built a bond with.

Before too long, I realized a certain factor applied to the situation, a factor that I have written about several times before. A factor that I will likely continue to write about. A factor known as the “gray area.”

In life, you will rarely find a situation to be solely black and white. It’s safe here to generalize and say that most things in life aren’t black and white. Well, except for panda bears.

The circumstances of every relationship are different. Regardless of the type of relationship, it still takes some amount of work, effort, energy to keep it going. This is normal, expected. Yet, how much work is too much work? Remember, we’re talking about a fun, healthy, loving relationship—not a job.

If you think about it, relationships should be—for the most part—relatively smooth and easy to uphold. Who wants to fight, argue, regularly deal with conflict? I’m not referring to disagreements; disagreements are common, even amongst two people who like or love and respect one another.

I guess I’m alluding to those who make it too damn difficult to share a relationship with. You know who they are; you’ve been involved with them, too. Some people make it next to impossible to connect with, despite how hard you try. Unfortunately, the desire to want the relationship isn’t always enough.

For example, my brother and I don’t have a tight relationship. To be blunt, he’s a hard person to get close to. Our conversations are often one-worded and one-sided, and the effort I put into them never pays off, leading to disappointment and frustration.

Lucky for me, I’m a writer. The new novel I’m working on centers around siblings, so I’m able to use what I know to help fuel and authenticate the character’s storyline. We’ll just chalk my whole sibling experience up to research. I’ve learned that a writer’s research is never done.

Another thing I’ve learned: Find the silver lining . . . in everything!

On the flip side, there are those who require an excessive amount from you, creating a different kind of imbalance in the relationship. Sometimes a person can take or ask for too much, resulting in exhaustion, exasperation, and detachment. Balance is also a key ingredient in relationships and life.

It’s true: Not all of life’s wonderful blessings (i.e. relationships) will come conveniently. However, it’s significant to take a look at the definition of the word. Convenience is defined as: “The state of being able to proceed with something with little effort or difficulty.” Similar words include comfort, ease, enjoyment.

Don’t we want all of our relationships to cause comfort, ease, and enjoyment? Obviously, we don’t live in a perfect world. Remember, not everything is black and white. Therefore, I know it’s not fair to say that a relationship is either good or bad. Fun or painful. Easy or hard.

But, for the most part, shouldn’t we be able to classify relationships one way or another?

Yes, I’m familiar with the popular phrase: “If a person really cares, they will find the time for you.” I’m also aware of the fact that life gets messy and complicated, and everyone handles aspects of it differently. Some seclude themselves in order to recharge and deal. Others require constant attention.

Again, there’s no right or wrong, no black or white areas here. It’s all gray. Lots of gray when it comes to relationships. Fifty fucking shades of gray, to be exact.

That being said, I still don’t think people are disposable. If I’ve ever given that impression, it was one hundred percent unintentional. I don’t think I’ve ever even met someone who disposes of people. Maybe I’m choosing to believe that those people don’t exist, or perhaps I don’t surround myself with them.

What I do know is that things change and people evolve. It’s common for people to get busy, weighed down, and wrapped up in their own lives. Self-involvement is not always synonymous with selfishness.

If we learn to not take things so personally, to not get offended so easily, and understand that most of us are trying our best and not going out of the way to hurt others, then all relationships just might become simpler and more enjoyable.

Filed Under: Advice, Lessons Tagged With: LGBTQ blog, LGBTQ writer, LGBTQ writing, relationships, The Male Carrie Bradshaw

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Don't miss my February column in @ragemonthly — Out now! 
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"Hope is essential, but it’s not enough. To just simply hope will almost always end in disappointment, and probably pretty quickly. In order for hope to work—truly work—we’ve got to work, and the work isn’t always easy. On the contrary, it can be fucking hard. Hope can only take us so far, then it’s up to us and the work we’ve done to finish the job."

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For the past year and a half, I’ve told myself and others that I’m on a journey of self-reflection, with the sole goal of becoming the absolute best version of myself. Yet, when I look back at my previous blog articles and Rage (how fitting is that name?) columns, I’m not so sure this is the case. Instead, I fear that I may be trying to project my feelings, beliefs, and hell, possibly even my insecurities onto anyone who bothers to read the sentences I string together.

The result? A sad, jaded, angry, and yes, bitter perspective of life.

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My #October column in @ragemonthly is out now! 👨🏼‍💻 https://bit.ly/3dV59tn 
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“After all, times are tough! Charles Dickens had it right when he wrote, ‘It was the worst of times.’ He, too, must have been searching for gay love. (As for the other half of that quote, the one that addresses the ‘best of times,’ well, I don’t know her.)”
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harlancoben Harlan Coben @harlancoben ·
February 1, 2023

Milestone: Don’t want to brag but today while writing I spelled the word “occasion” correctly for the first time.

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... I can take myself dancing, and I can hold my own hand.

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… it was maroon. ♥️

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Take the moment and taste it
You've got no reason to be afraid
You're on your own, kid
Yeah, you can face this

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3 days ago

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Don't miss my February column in The Rage Monthly Magazine — Out now! #TheMaleCarrieBradshaw "Hope is essential, but it’s not enough. To just simply hope will almost always end in disappointment, and probably pretty quickly. In order for hope to work—truly work—we’ve got to work, and the work isn’t always easy. On the contrary, it can be fucking hard. Hope can only take us so far, then it’s up to us and the work we’ve done to finish the job." ... See MoreSee Less

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But I was realizing that everyone does go on. You get up. You have breakfast. You go to work. You do your job. You come home, have some dinner, go to bed. Just like everybody else. But it's always there. You go on, but you don't go on. Because there's this weight, and you can feel it all the time, like you've got a cinder block sitting on each shoulder, pushing you down, wearing you out, making you wonder whether you'll be able to get up the next day. And son of a bitch, you do get up. That day, and the day after, and the day after that. With those blocks on your shoulders. Always there. ... See MoreSee Less

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Bye, Bitter Bitch

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Oftentimes, it can be difficult to shake feelings of bitterness and anger. During these times, it's important to focus on what we can control and change.
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Take the moment and taste itYou've got no reason to be afraid You're on your own, kid Yeah, you can face this🎶🎶🎶 ... See MoreSee Less
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