I recently decided to conduct a survey. Nothing official, of course. I wouldn’t even begin to know how to do something like that. Also, too much work. Unpaid work. Like Todrick Hall says, “I don’t work for free; that’s not the tea, hunty. No, ma’am!” No, ma’am, indeed. Therefore, when I say I “conducted a survey,” I really texted a handful of random friends and asked for their opinion on a certain subject matter. Don’t worry random friends who may be reading this: I’ve kept you all anonymous. Anonymous, like that one time . . . You know what? A story not appropriate for sharing. So, . . .
I can’t believe I’m writing this blog article. I can’t believe it’s necessary for me to write this blog article. Yet, here we are: sipping on hard seltzers and gossiping about sex, love, relationships, and the gay community. Fascinating stuff, really. Cue the eye roll. I partly blame myself. If you’re new to my work, shame on you. I wrote an article last year: “Be Careful What You Wish For.” Apparently, though, I didn’t read it. Too many times I’ve wished for a life similar to Carrie Bradshaw’s. Hell, I even refer to myself as “the male Carrie Bradshaw.” So, here we are: drinking hard . . .
I once went on a date with this guy. Let's see . . . I have to call him something. We'll call him Mr. Douche, as I want to respect his privacy slash don't remember his real name. That's not true. I do remember his name; that's how excited I'd been to officially go out with him. Before the night of the date, I was extremely nervous. Not taking my SATs kind-of-nervous, even more so than that. I'd say it was like waiting for test results from the clinic after a busy holiday weekend kind-of-nervous. You see, I'd casually crossed paths with Mr. Douche a few times before he officially asked me . . .
As an adult, and I use that term loosely, I fully—kind of—understand that shit happens. By “shit,” I mean accidents. Off the top of my head, I'm thinking of accidents like forgetting to pick up your kid from school or drinking one too many Belvedere martinis at happy hour. You know, accidents no one can really predict or prevent. Then there are the accidents that can and should be prevented . . . like taking a big piss on my bedroom floor. Wait! I've gotten ahead of myself. Let me backtrack a tad. Do you ever get that feeling? You know the one: It's a Saturday night, you haven't been . . .
Back in May 2017, I wrote a column for Rage Monthly titled, “Another Lesson to Learn.” I'm sure you all read it, right? I mean, how else do you fill your day? For those of you who need a refresher course, the article centers on how even as adults, we're constantly tested or quizzed—essentially, there's always . . . another lesson to learn. Large consumptions of red wine, Coors Light, and the occasional hit of wacky tobaccy may have caused cobwebs to clutter my mind, but any gay worth his salt-on-the-rim margarita keeps receipts. At least the important ones. Or the expensive . . .